my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
