I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize