I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize