Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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