we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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