I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
false alarm, still single
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize