Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
