so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
