He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
