Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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