So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize