Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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