"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
