I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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