Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
