It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
