so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
