Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
