my phone needs a breathalizer
home. puking in laundry basket.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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