im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
