During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Randomize
