I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
