im six kinds of drunk right now
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
