I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
