I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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