I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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