I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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