i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
