Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
cat food counts as protein by the way
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
