I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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