me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
