I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
