you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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