I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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