Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
