All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
