in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
