you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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