Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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