Tell her she can't have a vagina
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
