Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
