So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
