Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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