It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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