Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My cat gives me a boner
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
