When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
