SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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