oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
