you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
