the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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