Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I supernannyed him into submission
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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