I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
