My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
