I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
