Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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