he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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