i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think I sprained my soul last night
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
