I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
