at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
pop tarts are not kleenex
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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