so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
