I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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