There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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