Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
