I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
