You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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