I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize