i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
