Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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