this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
